Dating…More Like Speed Dating

I decided to sign up for speed dating again. It will be this coming Tuesday. This will be my 3rd event in two different parts of the country. I’m always nervous.

I keep going back/forth about whether or not I should go and why am I going?

I have been single for awhile. I dated a few years back but it was nothing special. I think it was nothing special because it’s difficult for my to get close to people. I am attracted to guys but I have never been outgoing to approach. It probably has a lot to do with my history in general. I was always an outsider. I was always teased as a child. The list goes on.

Not to mention, I have not seen the healthiest examples of loving relationships. My mother was married & divorced 3 times. My grandparent’s relationship was not all that well off either. Nor was my sister’s relationships. Thus it has put me off in a negative way.

I am also very independent due to the above situations. I do not want to have to answer to someone. I carry my own weight. I do not need someone to contact my every hour, every afternoon, nor every day.

I question if there is something wrong with me? I question if I am normal?

I suppose given my history, I probably am. But I often think about my friends and their relationships. Whether or not they are in them, want them, are happy with them. And, of course, them asking if I am dating, when I am dating, if I am interested in anyone.

Then I think of the future. Yes I have my sister and four nephews, though I am not close with them. Yes I have my best friend and her family, who are more like family than my own. I think about the future. If I were to get old and sick, who would and could I rely on? Who do I really have?

I go back and forth. I’m content being solo.

Maybe it’s fear of being rejected? Fear of being judged? Fear of being vulnerable.

I don’t know…

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